Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I am midnight drunk by noon
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
