Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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