The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
