And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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