i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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