This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
