i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
