I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
