do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
