you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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