You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
