He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
