woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
