mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
cat food counts as protein by the way
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
