Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
