After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
