do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
