Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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