I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize