she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
