Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I deserve this hangover.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
