We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
