Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
