Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
