Just cropdusted the office
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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