I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
