I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
