i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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