oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
