I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
