so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Enjoy the penises
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
