Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
