The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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