watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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