I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize