saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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