When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
