Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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