The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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