Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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