You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
