As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
me + whiskey = a bad person
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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