doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
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