matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm like, not good at living.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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