I can feel you judging me through the phone.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
