dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
