I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
