you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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