I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
