The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
