it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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