everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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