I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
