Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
