Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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