Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
