Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
