She went from zero to smokin in five shots
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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